(no subject)
Mar. 31st, 2007 02:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ineffabelleI think my posts about NYC are mostly my way of "squawking" as RX puts it, venting my frustrations with the dark side of this life.
Because usually, when I'm done, I feel much better about things and am able to see the advantages of living here. I'm still not going to romanticize it though...
One pattern I've noticed is about tolerance and energy. On the way back from getting a cup of iced coffee, I was walking past an older woman sitting on the stoop, and got the immediate impression she's beautiful... now, in a static sense, if she were unconscious and lying on a white canvas, that might not have been true... she had wrinkles in her eyes, and slightly flabby arms, but she was adorned well, and projected an energy of being alive, vibrant and happy that made her beautiful to me as I passed by. Immediately I began to feel better myself.
I've seen this phenomenon in myself since my integration. When I am able to be out and about as myself, I am more alive, glowing with self-possession, more extroverted... things seem to work out and people respond on the whole positively to me, despite the fact that I am clearly some sort of gender variant. As I get over the fear of transphobia more and more, I think this becomes more true as I become more comfortably integrated into my environment.
One of the things that is both good and bad about NYC is that people generally walk around with their shields up. It creates a certain baseline of tolerance, because people just can't afford to waste their time and energy being actively hateful of anyone*. Those who do, get gradually edited out of the picture, as they fall behind and create more unnecessary conflict for themselves. This in and of itself acts not only as a sieve, but as a magnet for those who are more tolerant in a "I've got things to do" kind of way, and for those who desire an environment where they won't be hassled... the preponderance of these people of course enhances this sense of tolerance... etc etc.
The bad side is that the active projection of vitality and joy often meets with stony cold silence, as the shields are up. People don't have time and energy to waste going out of their way to be too nice to everyone either, in their comings and goings. In fact if you do, you also get edited out of the picture, but to a lesser extent because those whom you have connected positively with will help return the energy...
Crosswise, the places where people have time to get involved in each others lives are more uplifting for those who fit in easily, but more dangerous and negative for those who don't, because people get edgy about exchanging energy when they're not comfortable with what they might be getting (to some extent this can be overcome, but it's an extra layer of resistance).
And people who have been programmed to fear and distrust the weird, have the time and energy to actively pursue this.
* The major exception to this I think is sexism, because our social order has been built around supporting it. The "payoff" for sexism is high enough that even in a place like NYC, it is still sustainable, though again, to a lesser extent than other places.
Because usually, when I'm done, I feel much better about things and am able to see the advantages of living here. I'm still not going to romanticize it though...
One pattern I've noticed is about tolerance and energy. On the way back from getting a cup of iced coffee, I was walking past an older woman sitting on the stoop, and got the immediate impression she's beautiful... now, in a static sense, if she were unconscious and lying on a white canvas, that might not have been true... she had wrinkles in her eyes, and slightly flabby arms, but she was adorned well, and projected an energy of being alive, vibrant and happy that made her beautiful to me as I passed by. Immediately I began to feel better myself.
I've seen this phenomenon in myself since my integration. When I am able to be out and about as myself, I am more alive, glowing with self-possession, more extroverted... things seem to work out and people respond on the whole positively to me, despite the fact that I am clearly some sort of gender variant. As I get over the fear of transphobia more and more, I think this becomes more true as I become more comfortably integrated into my environment.
One of the things that is both good and bad about NYC is that people generally walk around with their shields up. It creates a certain baseline of tolerance, because people just can't afford to waste their time and energy being actively hateful of anyone*. Those who do, get gradually edited out of the picture, as they fall behind and create more unnecessary conflict for themselves. This in and of itself acts not only as a sieve, but as a magnet for those who are more tolerant in a "I've got things to do" kind of way, and for those who desire an environment where they won't be hassled... the preponderance of these people of course enhances this sense of tolerance... etc etc.
The bad side is that the active projection of vitality and joy often meets with stony cold silence, as the shields are up. People don't have time and energy to waste going out of their way to be too nice to everyone either, in their comings and goings. In fact if you do, you also get edited out of the picture, but to a lesser extent because those whom you have connected positively with will help return the energy...
Crosswise, the places where people have time to get involved in each others lives are more uplifting for those who fit in easily, but more dangerous and negative for those who don't, because people get edgy about exchanging energy when they're not comfortable with what they might be getting (to some extent this can be overcome, but it's an extra layer of resistance).
And people who have been programmed to fear and distrust the weird, have the time and energy to actively pursue this.
* The major exception to this I think is sexism, because our social order has been built around supporting it. The "payoff" for sexism is high enough that even in a place like NYC, it is still sustainable, though again, to a lesser extent than other places.
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(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-01 04:11 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-05 02:21 pm (UTC)I think in a way it's easier for me to take it for granted.